Best films of 2013

The beginning of 2014 is here, which means it’s time to pick the Best Films of 2013. Normally, I’ll watch between 50 and 100 new films in a year and this year I barely kept up (moving across country and being unemployed for a few months really hampers your movie going funds) watching only 55 new films. Sure, there are a few I missed that would probably end up in my top 20 (including "Her" and "Inside Llewyn Davis"), but that happens every year. Also, a quick note on how I choose the films, they have to be entertaining, so you might not find a lot of hard hitting Oscar picks because those are not my style. I like things funny, scary, gory and wild, so there is bound to be some surprising picks. Here are my top 20 films of the year (with a few comments), followed by a ranking of the other 35 films that kept my attention.

                             

1. This Is The End

“This Is The End” was not only the funniest film of the year it also offered plenty of scares, action and some heartfelt bromances. Plus, Danny McBride has two awesome intros and owns the film!

2. The Wolf of Wall Street

By far my favorite Marty/Leo collaboration, “The Wolf” is the epitome of excess as DiCaprio and an award worthy performance from Jonah Hill take viewers on a wild and intoxicating ride through the lifestyles of the rich and famous filled with Lamborghinis, cocaine, yachts and Quaaludes.

3. Gravity

There was no better movie going experience for me in 2013 than “Gravity.” The film absorbs you into space and leaves you struggling to breath. The film is good, but seeing it on the big screen with big speakers engulfed me. If you can still see it in a theater, make sure to, because it’s not going to play as good at home. If any film in 2013 deserved your hard earned money, it was “Gravity.”

4. Spring Breakers

All the hype about "Spring Breakers" dealt with the Disney princesses turned bad girls. But the real star of the show is James Franco, who truly earns an Oscar nomination as Alien, a thug/pimp/drug dealer who seduces four small town girls into the Florida lifestyle. He is a spectacle who is totally worth the price of admission, especially when he twinkles away on a white piano overlooking the water and busts out a Britney Spears ballad, with the girls singing along. The scene intertwines the group singing the soft ballad with cuts of the same group forcefully robbing people. Never did I make the perfect connection of armed robbery and Britney Spears until now. “Spring Breakers” is a chaotic fever dream that invokes your senses — you see the tits and neon, hear the bass pounding and can smell the blunt burning — and keeps you enthralled in the grimy slice of life.

5. Pain & Gain

Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne ‘The Rock” Johnson shine as steroid injecting fitness freaks who decide to add robbery to their resume in the action packed “Pain & Gain.” The film, which is based on a true story, really supports my claim that a lot of crazy shit happens in Florida. If you want a film with naked chicks, cocaine, speedboats, bodybuilders, fast cars, severed limbs, tasers and plenty of laughs, look no further than “Pain & Gain.”

6. The Way, Way Back

Written and directed by Nat Faxson (pictured left) and Jim Rash (“Community), who won an Oscar for writing “The Descendants,” “The Way, Way Back” is a coming of age tale set against a run down waterpark. Offering an “Adventureland” vibe, “The Way, Way Back” follows 14-year-old Duncan, who goes on summer vacation with his mom and her asshole boyfriend (Steve Carell). Although he initially hates his temporary home, he meets Owen (an award worthy Sam Rockwell), the manager and king slacker of the park. Carell does a surprisingly good job at playing an asshole, but it’s Rockwell who carries the film to glory.

7. Dallas Buyer’s Club

Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto put on an acting showcase in this tale about Ron Woodroof, a rough and tough rodeo hustler, who contracts aids in the mid 80s. When the medication approved by the FDA makes him sicker, Woodroof starts smuggling in drugs from mexico and selling them wholesale to HIV patients in Dallas. Both McConaughey and Leto lost a lot of weight for their roles, but their dedication paid off as I wouldn’t be surprised if both were nominated for an Oscar, especially Leto who disappears into the role of the cross dressing Rayon. 

8. Out of the Furnace

Although I liked Christian Bale’s flashier performance in “American Hustle" better, “Out of the Furnace” is the superior film. A story about two brothers (Bale and Casey Affleck), “Out of the Furnace” shows how one man takes matters into his own hands when the law won’t help him. Woody Harrelson is a standout as a badass redneck that promotes bare-knuckle boxing.

9. Don Jon

I never thought I would like a romantic comedy about a guy who is addicted to Internet porn, but here’s “Don Jon” sneaking into my top 10. Joseph Gordon-Levitt both wrote and directed this gem about a player (Levitt) who thinks he finds the perfect girl (Scarlett Johansson at her sexiest). Tony Danza steals the film as Levitt’s tough talking Italian father.

10. The Spectacular Now

Not really knowing anything about “The Spectacular Now,” I took a chance based on the “from the writer of (500) Days Of Summer” tagline on the poster. Boy, was I glad I took that chance because this film is an amazingly truthful portrayal of young love following the life of the party (Miles Teller), who falls for the shy girl (Shailene Woodley) after a random introduction. Such a sweet an innocent film, “The Spectacular” does struggle a bit towards the end, but the two lead performances are so good it makes up for any of the film's flaws. 

11. Elysium

Matt Damon becomes bionic and kicks a lot of ass!

12. American Hustle

Amy Adams puts on an acting clinic and Christian Bale’s toupee is the best thing ever in this overrated caper that really drags in the middle.

13. Zero Charisma

The nerdiest movie I’ve seen this year, maybe ever. Tabletop gaming and Death Metal is a dangerous combination.

14. You’re Next

My favorite horror movie of the year was smart, gory, funny and caused “Looking for the Magic” by Dwight Twilley Band to play on permanent repeat on my stereo.

15. The Battery

“The Battery” is about baseball. “The Battery” is about friendship. “The Battery” is about survival. But most importantly, “The Battery” is about zombies.

16. The Iceman

Michael Shannon is a force in this biopic about the cold-blooded mob killer. Great supporting cast including Winona Ryder and Chris Evans added to Shannon’s command.

17. Escape Plan

Arnold and Sly team up for an intense and thrilling prison escape. Much better than people gave it credit.

18. Stoker

Chan-wook Park has made a number of good films (“Oldboy,” “Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance”) and you can add the odd, but enticing “Stoker” to that list. Mia Wasikowska shines as a troubled girl who finds a new “friend” after the death of her father.

19. Sound City

The best documentary I watched this year (admittingly I didn’t see many) would have ranked higher if it was all about the history of the studio, but instead it turned into Dave Grohl showing off all of his famous friends towards the end.

20. Giant robots fighting giant monsters. What more needs to be said?

21. Bullet to the Head

22. V/H/S 2

23. The Purge

24. Only God Forgives

25. The World’s End

26. Clear History

27. Kick Ass 2

28. Maniac

29. Behind the Candelabra

30. Aftershock

31. Pussy Riot: A Punk Prayer

32. Jack the Giant Slayer

33. Warm Bodies

34. Iron Man 3

35. World War Z

36. Gasland II

37. Now You See Me

38. Thor: The Dark World

39. A Band Called Death

40. Hangover 3

41. Broken City

42. Sharknado

43. The Last Stand

44. Man of Steel

45. Lords of Salem

46. Gangster Squad

47. G.I. Joe Retaliation

48. Homefront

49. Identity Theft

50. Evil Dead

51. Beautiful Creatures

52. Mama

53. The Place Beyond The Pines

54. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D

55. The Canyons

Kick Ass sequel loses the fight

Kick Ass 2

Directed by Jeff Wadlow

Rated R, 103 minutes

I had a lot of fun with the original “Kick Ass,” as it was loaded with violence [most by a 11-year-old girl] and humor, so I had high hopes for the second installment. Ultimately, the pop of the first film was gone and the sequel kind of nudges ass rather than kicking it.

   All of the characters who survived the first film are back, including Kick Ass, Hit Girl and The Red Mist, who after accidently killing his mother, becomes the world’s first super villain – The Mother Fucker.  Dressed in bondage gear, he recruits a number of criminals to watch his back including Mother Russia, a bigger and stronger version of Brigitte Nielsen in “Rocky IV.” 

The Mother Fucker and his gang of villains 

   Meanwhile, Kick Ass has continued training with Hit Girl, but soon she tries to become a normal teenage girl and her story almost ruins the entire film. This was by far the worst of the three storylines and almost lead me to hating the film. I don’t want to see Hit Girl become a mean girl, I want to see her slash off limbs with her double-edged sword thing. But with Hit Girl out of the way, Kick Ass needs help, which leads him to reach out to fellow masked heroes [there have been plenty since Kick Ass first popped up] and meets Dr. Gravity [a great Donald Faison]. 

Look out for Dr. Gravity, a mixture of The Watchmen and Mystery Men

   After heading out on patrol, Dr. Gravity invites Kick Ass to meet up with a group of masked heroes, which is where the film really picks up thanks to the gang’s leader, Colonel Stars & Stripes [an amazing Jim Carrey]. Some of the other members of the group, who ultimately call themselves “Justice Forever,” include Night Bitch [Lindy Booth] and Insect Man [Robert Emms]. Colonel Stars & Stripes is by far the best part of the film and Carrey knocks the role out of the park. It’s a shame he isn’t used more, but he really becomes the heart of the film and his performance is main reason I’m recommending the film.

Capt. Stars & Stripes getting ready to fuck up some bad guy

   All of the story lines play out, leading to a finale of epic proportion, where The Mother Fucker’s gang of super villains fight Justice Forever, charging at each other for some hand to hand combat and it’s a lot of fun. 

Night Bitch and Dr. Gravity surrounded by the rest of Justice Forever

  Don't get me wrong, there were some moments of pure excitement in "Kick Ass 2," but the momentum shifted so frequently, I could never really get on board with the film. "Kick Ass 2" continually let me down, which is so frustrating because it should have been much better [and would have if original director Matthew Vaughn returned]. I never thought I would say this about a movie, but I miss Nic Cage.

I watched “The Canyons” so you don’t have to [contains NSFW images]

The Canyons

Directed by paul Schrader

Not Rated, 99 minutes

“The Canyons” is a mess of a movie that bored me to death. I wouldn’t even have watched the entire thing if it wasn’t for the promise of a few scenes of Lindsay Lohan nudity. And truthfully, the few scenes weren’t even worth the price of admission. I was hoping for a campy, nudity filled romp like “Showgirls,” but the “The Canyons” is a far cry from “Showgirls,” which is the worst thing you want to hear about a movie.

   I’m sure you don’t care about the plot [you’re just here for the nudie pics], but the story follows a bunch of dead-eyed arty people roaming around Hollywood like zombies. Christian, played by porn star James Deen [recently seen filling all of Farrah Abraham’s holes in her porn video] is a trust fund producer working on putting a film together with a low level starlet named Tara [Lohan]. The two have an intimate relationship that is often recorded and the majority of the time, multiple partners are brought into the mix. But once Christian finds out that Tara slept with one of her costars, he goes crazy and “The Canyons” turns into a weird pornographic horror film for a second.

   For what it’s worth, Lohan shows actual acting talent, but it’s easy for her to shine while surrounded by non-actors and porno stars. She does show off the goods in an attempt to flesh out [get it] her career, but it doesn’t bring anything to the movie. Besides, her voice is so damn horse from partying too hard, she sounds like an old gravely woman.

   I actually thought “The Canyons” had a chance at being ok since it was written by Bret Easton Eillis, who has written some great novels including “Less Than Zero,” “American psycho” and “The Rules of Attraction,” but boy was I wrong. 

   If you really want to see Lohan naked, rent “The Canyons,” but that’s the only reason to waste any money on this turd.

On second thought, below are some NSFW images from the movie… why waste your money.

Once again.... NSFW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!