Kick Ass sequel loses the fight

Kick Ass 2

Directed by Jeff Wadlow

Rated R, 103 minutes

I had a lot of fun with the original “Kick Ass,” as it was loaded with violence [most by a 11-year-old girl] and humor, so I had high hopes for the second installment. Ultimately, the pop of the first film was gone and the sequel kind of nudges ass rather than kicking it.

   All of the characters who survived the first film are back, including Kick Ass, Hit Girl and The Red Mist, who after accidently killing his mother, becomes the world’s first super villain – The Mother Fucker.  Dressed in bondage gear, he recruits a number of criminals to watch his back including Mother Russia, a bigger and stronger version of Brigitte Nielsen in “Rocky IV.” 

The Mother Fucker and his gang of villains 

   Meanwhile, Kick Ass has continued training with Hit Girl, but soon she tries to become a normal teenage girl and her story almost ruins the entire film. This was by far the worst of the three storylines and almost lead me to hating the film. I don’t want to see Hit Girl become a mean girl, I want to see her slash off limbs with her double-edged sword thing. But with Hit Girl out of the way, Kick Ass needs help, which leads him to reach out to fellow masked heroes [there have been plenty since Kick Ass first popped up] and meets Dr. Gravity [a great Donald Faison]. 

Look out for Dr. Gravity, a mixture of The Watchmen and Mystery Men

   After heading out on patrol, Dr. Gravity invites Kick Ass to meet up with a group of masked heroes, which is where the film really picks up thanks to the gang’s leader, Colonel Stars & Stripes [an amazing Jim Carrey]. Some of the other members of the group, who ultimately call themselves “Justice Forever,” include Night Bitch [Lindy Booth] and Insect Man [Robert Emms]. Colonel Stars & Stripes is by far the best part of the film and Carrey knocks the role out of the park. It’s a shame he isn’t used more, but he really becomes the heart of the film and his performance is main reason I’m recommending the film.

Capt. Stars & Stripes getting ready to fuck up some bad guy

   All of the story lines play out, leading to a finale of epic proportion, where The Mother Fucker’s gang of super villains fight Justice Forever, charging at each other for some hand to hand combat and it’s a lot of fun. 

Night Bitch and Dr. Gravity surrounded by the rest of Justice Forever

  Don't get me wrong, there were some moments of pure excitement in "Kick Ass 2," but the momentum shifted so frequently, I could never really get on board with the film. "Kick Ass 2" continually let me down, which is so frustrating because it should have been much better [and would have if original director Matthew Vaughn returned]. I never thought I would say this about a movie, but I miss Nic Cage.

I watched “The Canyons” so you don’t have to [contains NSFW images]

The Canyons

Directed by paul Schrader

Not Rated, 99 minutes

“The Canyons” is a mess of a movie that bored me to death. I wouldn’t even have watched the entire thing if it wasn’t for the promise of a few scenes of Lindsay Lohan nudity. And truthfully, the few scenes weren’t even worth the price of admission. I was hoping for a campy, nudity filled romp like “Showgirls,” but the “The Canyons” is a far cry from “Showgirls,” which is the worst thing you want to hear about a movie.

   I’m sure you don’t care about the plot [you’re just here for the nudie pics], but the story follows a bunch of dead-eyed arty people roaming around Hollywood like zombies. Christian, played by porn star James Deen [recently seen filling all of Farrah Abraham’s holes in her porn video] is a trust fund producer working on putting a film together with a low level starlet named Tara [Lohan]. The two have an intimate relationship that is often recorded and the majority of the time, multiple partners are brought into the mix. But once Christian finds out that Tara slept with one of her costars, he goes crazy and “The Canyons” turns into a weird pornographic horror film for a second.

   For what it’s worth, Lohan shows actual acting talent, but it’s easy for her to shine while surrounded by non-actors and porno stars. She does show off the goods in an attempt to flesh out [get it] her career, but it doesn’t bring anything to the movie. Besides, her voice is so damn horse from partying too hard, she sounds like an old gravely woman.

   I actually thought “The Canyons” had a chance at being ok since it was written by Bret Easton Eillis, who has written some great novels including “Less Than Zero,” “American psycho” and “The Rules of Attraction,” but boy was I wrong. 

   If you really want to see Lohan naked, rent “The Canyons,” but that’s the only reason to waste any money on this turd.

On second thought, below are some NSFW images from the movie… why waste your money.

Once again.... NSFW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Director Neill Blomkamp makes another great film

“Elysium”

Directed by Neill Blomkamp

Rated R, 109 minutes

Director Neill Blomkamp has done it again, as his newest dystopian tale, “Elysium,” is an action packed sci-fi epic that offers a heroic tale of class warfare. The year is 2154 and the earth has become a barren shantytown thanks overpopulation and lack of resources. Former car thief Max [Matt Damon] is just trying to survive and has given up his criminal past, working at a robot factory while staying out of trouble. But after a radioactive accident at the plant, Max is giving some painkillers and told he will live for five more days.

Jodie Foster is serious about keeping her home safe

Max’s only hope is to somehow reach Elysium, a space station orbiting earth that inhabits the rich and famous. Every citizen of Elysium has a medical machine that can cure all diseases, allowing residents to seemingly live forever. The only problem, Elysium doesn’t allow visitors and random shuttle ships trying to reach the clean air and lush lands of Elysium are shot down and survivors are rounded up and sent back to earth. The person controlling access and entry to Elysium is Delacourt [Jodie Foster], and she has no qualms about destroying lives to save her home, but the president and council see a more peaceful solution to her violent tendency’s. One of those violent tendencies is an agent by the name of Kruger [Sharlto Copley]. Kruger is a straight up killing machine and takes care of Delacourt’s dirty work.

The best part of the film by far is Kruger

   The film really gets moving once Max stumbles across his old criminal buddies Julio [Diego Luna] and Spider [Wagner Moura], who offer him a chance at escaping to Elysium, but he has to return to his criminal ways. With nothing left to lose and a friend’s daughter in need of medical care, Max agrees and Spider’s men upgrade him, adding an exoskeleton and brain chip, allowing Max to fight robots hand-to-hand and download valuable information.

Max before he gets suited up

   Elysium works thanks to a likeable Damon as the anti-hero just trying to do the right thing, but really makes the film soar is the unhinged Kruger, who decimates everything in his path. His weapons provide a lot of gore [lots of bombs sticking to people and blowing them to bits], which was welcomingly unexpected and his mad dog mentality keeps the film moving along. Jodie Foster is decent as a conniving bitch and Alice Braga does her job as Max’s old friend and love interest, but the action and technology are the film’s best supporting acts.

   Blomkamp has directed two amazing films, and once again I’m very excited for his next project, as he has created a sci-fi action epic that fans will be talking about for years to come. If you liked "District 9," go see this movie! 

                                                The future is never good in the movies

Zombies and baseball

Can you imagine the smell in that car... funky

The Battery

Directed by Jeremy Gardner

Rated R, 101 minutes 

"The Battery" is about baseball. "The Battery" is about friendship. "The Battery" is about survival. But most importantly, "The Battery" is about zombies. Two former baseball players – Mickey and Ben – travel from stop to stop scavenging what they can along the way. They find a good location and hang out for a day or two and then hit the road again, never staying too long at each stop.
   Mickey spends the majority of the time with his headphones on, drowning out the dangerous world around him with a wide selection of indie rock tunes. The music is good, which is an important key because there is so much of it… although some of the songs grew tiresome, others deserved a second listen. He is soft spoken and just can't adjust to the new world. 

   Ben does most of the heavy lifting = zombie killing. He goes into a new location 1^st while mickey stands on lookout. Sometimes he has to kill zombies, which is he is good at, and sometimes the buildings are vacant. Ben realizes what the world has become and sees the need to keep moving. He is a snarky asshole, but Mickey deals with it because without Ben, he'd be lost. 

just two dudes having a good time

   The duo has a never-ending game of catch to kill the time, which draws on the title of the film, they’re a team, a battery, and they have to work together to survive. And although the budget is small, the story works as they keep the onscreen kills to a minimum, and offer small tight shots when the mobs of zombies attack. Sure, the effects are not great, but they don't have to be. It’s an interesting concept when you break it down… just a couple of dudes traveling around and looting homes [including an ex-girlfriend], because they can. Every now and again, ben kills some zombies and the two find something useful.

   I really liked the way “The Battery” unfolded. Not too fast or showy, just a buddy road movie that evolves into something horrifying. It’s a small and quiet film, but it’s a smart addition to the zombie genre and definitely worth checking out [rent it for $3.99 on iTunes].

Elijah Wood is a “Maniac,” maniac on the floor… and he’s slashing like he’s never slashed before

"Maniac”

Not Rated, 89 minutes

When you think of actors who could play a serial killer, Elijah Wood doesn’t jump to the top of the list. But even with his tiny demeanor, Wood provides a creepy killer named Frank, who likes playing with mannequins in a remake of the 1980 slasher film.

Frank and one of his lady friends

             Shot in first person, we see and hear Wood, but only occasionally see his face in reflections/mirrors. The gimmick works in the beginning, but got kind of boring as the film forged on. It even cheats during some of the violent scenes, pulling back and letting us see all of the mayhem.

Speaking of the violence, “Maniac” pulls out all the stops as Wood continually scalps women for their hair (to put on his mannequins), severed limbs and plenty of blood. The film definitely earns its non-rating.

I bet she has a splitting headache 

“Maniac” starts off strong, but does drag during the third act on its way to the epic conclusion. I still think Joe Spinell is the better Frank, but Wood has to rely on lots of heavy breathing and whispers to emote fear, whereas Spinell just looks creepy.

Joe Spinell was one creepy dude

Along with the gore aspect, the film gave off a “Drive”-type of vibe with an opening credit driving sequence and soundtrack full of electro pop. It was an unexpected bonus in my book.

            Sure, Elijah Wood isn’t that scary, but once he starts slicing foreheads the terror builds. I would highly suggest checking out the 1980 original, but I know most of you won’t, so throw down a few bucks on this creepy thriller.