"Pain & Gain" movie review

                                                                  “Pain & Gain”

                                                              Rated R, 130 minutes

Normally, when I see a movie trailer has Michael Bay’s name attached to it, I laugh to myself at how ridiculous it will be. Don’t get me wrong, a long time ago Bay made an amazing film in “Bad Boys,” but I haven’t been a fan of any of his films since… until now. “Pain & Gain” returns Bay to his former glory offering an action-packed black comedy that becomes so outlandish, the film itself has to remind you that it’s based on a true story.

            The story follows Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg), a Florida personal trainer who is sick of squeaking out a meager existence. After an arrogant client (Tony Shalhoub) spouts off about all the cash he has, Lugo decides he wants his own piece of the pie and devises a plan to steal the money. Lugo enlists the help of his steroid-injecting gym buddy, Adrian (Anthony Mackie), and Paul (Dwayne Johnson), a recently released convict who is trying to stay clean, sober and on a straight path. I don’t want to spoil the movie, so I won’t explain what happens, but I have one question… Does anything good ever come out of a kidnapping situation?        

            “Pain & Gain” is very funny in some places (The Rock using his grilling skills comes to mind), which works well to keep the film’s momentum moving along through some of the darker moments. Everyone in the cast is strong, including Ed Harris as a P.I. and Ken Jeong, as a skivvy, get-rich quick schemer, but it’s The Rock who steals the show. The guy is a charismatic, chiseled monster in this movie and he draws the filmgoer’s attention every time he’s on screen because he can make you laugh one minute and tear your arms off the next.

            This is the third film this year I’ve seen The Rock in (“Snitch” and “G.I. Joe: Retaliation”) and he has only gotten better. Both he and Wahlberg are so charismatic you don’t mind the awful stuff they’re doing on the screen. If you want a film with naked chicks, cocaine, speedboats, bodybuilders, fast cars, severed limbs, tasers and plenty of demented laughs, look no further than “Pain & Gain.”

If you're not watching "Vikings" on the History channel, you should be!!

Is anybody watching “Vikings”

How scared would you be seeing these monsters walk on to your beaches? 

Since I’ve been on the road this last month, I haven’t been as tuned in to the tube as I like to be. But that will all change next week. Anyway, back to “Vikings,” I had heard about it on the History channel, so I just assumed it was like any of their other two-hour historic pieces with talking heads and some random reenacted scenes, so I let it disappear from my schedule. What a mistake. “Vikings” is History channels first attempt at scripted programming and they have come out swinging. The first five episodes have been great filled with gory battles, backstabbing and some of the badest beards on TV.

The story follows Ragnar (Travis Fimmel) a smart and cunning Viking, as he disobeys his chieftain (well played by Gabriel Byrne) and sails west with his men. After returning with unforeseen riches, the chieftain tries to eliminate Ragnar, but that doesn’t appear like it’s going to happen. The rest of the casts include Ragnar’s brother Rollo (Clive Standen), the Cheiftain’s sneaky wife Siggy (Jessalyn Gilsig), Ragnar’s ferocious and tough wife Lagertha (Katheryn Winnick), Ragnar’s monk slave Athelstan (George Blagdon) and Ragnar’s woods dwelling companion Floki (Gustaf Skarsgard).

Ragnar leading his men

The Vikings basically invade England and clean out a church, taking with them some monks as slaves. When they return, the Chieftain, as punishment for disobeying him takes all their treasure. Ragnar asks again to head west and the chieftain obliges, but sends his own man on the journey. The Vikings once again head west, but this time they encounter a small group of soldiers. After a lot miscommunication, the Vikings decimate the solders, with one escaping and telling his lord they were as “tall as giants and used axes as weapons.” The Vikings clean out another church, but this time a larger army is waiting and they must fight them, which they do. It’s a bloody battle filled with carnage.They return with more treasure and Ragnar’s popularity grows. After the chieftain tries several times to get rid of him, they attack his village and Ragnar barely escapes with his life.

Now that you’re up to speed, start watching this show!! Overall, it’s been very good mixing gory brawls with soft-spoken moments. Ragnar is a smart man and uses much more than brute strength to win his wars. But there are a couple of bones I have to pick with the show.

One of my favorite characters in "Vikings" is played by Vladimir Kulich (center) (Buliwyf in "The 13th Warrior") the guy is a freaking beast! Everyone has their weapons drawn but him, beast!!! 

First off, when you have Vladimir Kulich in your cast, (Spoiler alert) why kill him off in the third or fourth epside? The guy is a Viking and his character Eric was great. He was awesome as Buliwyf the leader in “The 13^th Warrior” and he was just as great in “Vikings” laughing as the storms pounded down around and chopping dudes in half with his axe. I just can’t believe they would cut him loose that easy, it’s a real shame.

Gabriel Byrnes is such a bitch in this show, hopefully his rule as Chieftain won't last long

Secondly, I hate Gabriel Byrnes. Sure, he did some good stuff in the 90s, but his character on this show is such a whiny little bitch. He is scared, as he should, that some young buck like Ragnar is going to come along and whoop his ass. It’s going to happen, sooner than later and I can’t wait until Ragnar gets ahold of him in a fair fight.

Seriously I’ll shut up now, go watch the show!!! 

"The Following" is ridiculous

Set us free with some knowledge Ryan Hardy

Oh how I love to tune in Monday nights and see what kind of shenanigans Kevin Bacon will get into this week. When the first few episodes popped up, I asked the question of how many followers escaped serial killer Joe Carroll really had and that he needed more than the three bumbling idiots we originally met. Well, now there are so many cult members it’s stupid as we discover Ryan’s ex-girlfriend and current neighbor is an angel of death and a member of Joe’s cult. Ha!!! At the rate were going now, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ryan Hardy’s brunette boss/partner ends up being a member as well. And best of all is that while all of these idiots are running around fucking up plans, leading the FBI to secret training basis (they had people trapped in a cage, Yes!!), Joe is just sitting back pounding scotch in his cozy office. Much like the audience, he doesn’t even seem to care where the story goes. It’s always fun to watch a train roll of the tracks and “The Following” is certainly a mess, which is why I’ll keep tuning in, crappy episode after crappy episode, just to see how this train wreck ends up. 

HA!!! Cult members trapped in a cage!!!

Walking Dead season three finale

 Ep 16. "Welcome to the Tombs"

Carl's not a law man like his dad no more!

Well, here we are and what a third season it has been. After a slow start to the second season, the show took off like a Daryl Dixon arrow, splicing into a third season full of craziness. We lost some people —RIP Lori (good riddance), TDog, Axel and Oscar — added a new ninja sword wielding badass, rekindled our love for Merle and discovered the gruesome killer behind the kindly smile of The Governor. Andrea once again fucked the bad guy — her vagina is badguy detector for the show — and Glenn and Maggie started trying to repopulate the earth. The prison seemed like a safe place until the governor drove a zombie bomb through the gate. Does the Grimes Gang stay and defend their home or do they leave the prison and find some place new.

We open on the Governor beating the shit out of Milton. And then the Gov throws Milton in a room with Andrea and says if he wants to live, he needs to kill her. Milton takes the knife and tries to kill the Gov, but he gets the jump on Milton and stabs him, leaving him to bleed out and turn into a zombie and “tear the flesh from Andrea’s bones.”

Back at the prison we see everyone packing up the gear, preparing to hit the road. Daryl makes a mention of Merle saving them and Michonne and Rick have a chat about him not giving her over to the Gov. And like that, the Grimes Gang hits the road… or do they?  

The Gov gets his gang/militia all riled up and ready to attack the prison. Tyreese and his sister say they’re not coming and the Gov lets them be. They roll into the prison hard, with trucks and heavy artillery blazing, knocking down gates, but nobody is there. For some reason The Gov thinks it’s smart to go into the prison tunnels, which turns into a clusterfuck when some booby traps go off and walkers come at them. Nice and chaotic for the Gov and his crew. But that’s not all, Glen and Maggie are waiting and open fire on the Gov’s army when they flee the prison and chaos ensues when a solder left behind stumbles upon a hiding Carl and Herschel and Carl kills the guy.

Meanwhile back at Woodbury, Milton and Andrea have a nice chat as he slowly dies. Andrea wanted to save everyone, but first she better focus on saving herself.

After fleeing the prison, The Gov stops his militia for a pep chat and when everyone turns on him, he mows them all down with his machine gun, all except black Daryl and Mexican Daryl. I think I would keep the big military vehicles, but it looks like the Gov don’t need them.

Daryl, Rick and Michonne head to Woodbury to finish the job and find the abandon vehicles and the one chick who escaped. She leads them into town, presumably for a spot in the prison, and they see Tyreese. They tell them what happens and all of sudden Tyreese and his sister are members of the Grimes Gang again.  

Andrea gets the cuffs off before zombie Milton can get to her, but it doesn’t show us what happens. Be we all guessed it… she got bitten. Michonne cries and rick tells her everything will be all right. She kills herself and that’s the end of Andrea’s story. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to tell now who is a bad guy because Andrea won’t be around to sleep with them.

And with that, Rick takes everyone home to the prison — ie all the old people and kids @ Woodbury, plus the survivor chick and tyreese/his sister. Seems like a lot of extra mouths to feed compared to the major lack of strength your gaining.

That’s it? That’s how you’re going to end the best season the show has produced so far? With our lean mean group of killers bringing in a whole bunch of non fighting mouths to feed? Oh well, at least the Gov is still crazy and alive and he’ll be back for the Grimes Gang sooner or later. Although I’m disappointed in the finale, I’ll be chomping at the bit until the show returns in October.

                                         

Random thoughts

The Gov has the best line of the night… “In this life you either kill or you die, or you die and you kill.” Classic zombie literature right there.

Personally, I probably would have stayed at Woodbury over the prison, but I’m guessing Rick thinks they can defend it better. I think a town with massive gates, gardens growing and plenty of armored vehicles would be better than a broken up old prison, but what do I know.

With both of the queen bitches — Lori and Andrea — on the show gone, who will step up to that position next?

I wish Mexican Daryl would have fled when the Gov went crazy and joined up with the Grimes Gang, he and Daryl had a nice chat at the meeting point a few episodes back and they could become some kind of zombie bash brothers.

"Game of Thrones" season 3 recap

                                   Tyrion and Bronn are two of the best characters on the show 

Ep 1 – “Valar Dohaeris”

Before I start I just want to say I haven’t read the books, the first season was filled with so many awesome TV moments, I decided to stay clear, even though I immediately wanted to read the second book after the credits on the first season rolled.

Where we left off. The Lannisters survived Stannis Baratheon’s threat at King’s Landing thanks to some Wildfire and a last minute surprise attack by Tywin Lannister and crew. King Joffery dumped Sansa and moved to a hot piece of ass named Margaery Tyrell (Renly Baratheon’s former wife). That lucky little bastard!! Rob Stark was moving towards the Lannisters with a sizeable army and had fallen in love. Unfortunately his stupid mother Lady Catelyn Stark, let his best asset go when she sent captive prisoner Jamie Lannister back to King’s Landing under the watch of shebeast Brienne to trade for her daughters — Sansa & Arya (who isn’t even at the castle). Jon Snow was captured by wildlings after going over the wall with the Night’s Watch and was about to meet their king, Mance Rayder. Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage giving the best performance on the show) led the army to an excellent sneak attack (“Halfman! Halfman!” cheered his men) and survived an attack by his sister’s men, but was stripped of his Hand of the King honor. He still has his whore with a heart of gold and a new nasty scar across his face. And finally Dany Taragaryen destroyed a blue lips warlock with the fire of her baby dragons, who from the trailers, appear not to be babies anymore. Her story kind of got the shaft last season, so it’ll be interesting how much her story plays into this season. I just wish Drogo was still around cutting mofos in half beside her.

    Geez, there is a lot going on in this show and I didn’t even go into detail about Theron Greyjoy, the little stark boys, Hodo and his dong, Littlefinger and his slimy attraction to Sansa, that hot little redhead wildling wanting to warm john snow up and Sam the fat friend hiding as the ice monsters and zombies walked by...

...Which is exactly how we kicked off the third episode with Sam fighting off a blue-eyed zombie thanks to some help from Jon Snow’s wolf and the rest of the nightwatch led by the badass old man from “Braveheart.”

    Holy shit, a giant!!! Like GOT needed to get any cooler they just threw a giant into the mix. So awesome!! I think that 30-second scene was cooler than anything that happened on “The Walking Dead” finale.

                                                                  

We finally got to meet Mance Rayder, I liked how he hung out in the background and let some bearded fellow take the reign as Jon Snow stupidly bowed. I’m sure Jon’s story will get very interesting this, but hopefully we get more time with The Lord of Bones (man, that is some bad ass armor) and the redheaded vixen.

            Rob Stark continues to march and discovers bodies, lots of bodies. And finally does the smartest thing he’s done on the show, throw his mom in prison. Now he needs to ship her old ass back to Winterfell, or what’s left of it…

            Tyrion had plenty of conversations this week, including one with his bitchy Queen sister Cersi, which he came out on top of and belittling (no pun intended) conversation with his father Tywinn, who basically told him he ain’t acquiring shit, no lands, no titles, nothing… even though he basically led the charge of the army until his father triumphantly arrived at the last minute.

We get some nice CGI work as Dragons fly around Dany’s boat, catching fish. Getting big, but not big enough for Dany, she wants an army to help take her throne back. I’m guessing it will happen once the dragons grow bigger. But she knows that a bunch of sick dothraki and old man aint going to do shit, so she hires a slave army, with an interesting owner.  

            We also find out that Davos, Stannis’ right hand man, survived the wildfire explosion and returns to his king. Only to find the Red Headed priestess there and after trying to stab her, Davos is taken to prison.

And finally we see King Joeffry sniveling in his hidden box and his new queen, the super sexy Margery, get out and walk amongst the people, eventually helping an orphanage full of kids. She is very nice, which won’t fit well into Cersi’s and Joffrey’s crazy little world. 

All right, that’s it for this week, my head hurts and I’m sure there are storylines I’m missing. I’m going to knock this out every week, so check back and let me know what you think of the show.

Random thoughts

The official “Game of Thrones” nudity clock is in effect. We get our first set of boobs at the 12-minute mark thanks to Bronn. 

You’d think by now Stannis would be a little worried about the red-headed priestess. It seems like everyone in his ranks has tried to kill this fiery bitch.

Littlefinger once again makes a play for Sansa. Buckle in because I have feeling this story is going to get weird.

No Theon, Jaime, Brienne, Bran, Osha, Hodor, Varys, Hound or Arya in this first episode back. When you can’t fit an extra five plus storylines into your show, you got too many people!!!